Twenty-Five

The journey of the last couple years has been a challenging, sometimes joy-filled, sometimes tear-filled, long and occasionally obnoxious process.  And, undoubtably, it's far from over.  But today marks the end of a particularly long and dark stretch, and so I'm pausing to be grateful.  Even as fall sneaks into the morning with its cool dew and the evening with its early sunsets, it feels like spring is coming in my heart, and I'm so thankful.

One of my favorite authors wrote a chapter in a book once called "twenty-five,"* and in it, she describes what life can look when you're twenty-five-ish, but perhaps more importantly, how you can use your twenties to more fully become who you are and who you're going to be.  I have always wanted to live intentionally, to celebrate life and love the people around me and be present to each moment as its gifted to me.  In the past, the obstacles to living this way have included anxiety and a lack of discipline, but most recently, depression has been the pink elephant in the room, taking up so much space that there wasn't too much room left for me.  I've been on anti-depressants for six weeks now, and as I climbed into bed last night, I realized that I felt something old/new, and it might just have been hope.  I woke up to my alarm this morning, the sunrise of my 25th birthday peeking in through the curtains, and I thought about snoozing the alarm and crawling back into my semi-safe dream world.  But, I didn't.  I pulled off the covers and started my day, and while I'm feeling it all these hours later, I'm thankful that getting up seemed worthwhile today.  So here I am, being twenty-five-ish, and while I know that the Spirit of God always lives in me, and that the light always shines in the darkness and the darkness has never overcome it, today, I feel it.  And I rejoice.

*Shauna Niequist, in her wonderful book "Bittersweet"