Top Ten

Top Ten Things to Do When You Arrive at Church Unfashionably Early and Don't Have Any Friends

1.  Sit down by yourself, carefully avoiding sitting too close to anyone, lest you unwillingly instigate eye contact or conversation.
2.  Silence your phone, even though you already did that while you were killing time before getting out of the car.
3.  Pretend you're enjoying the silence and using it to be prayerful by assuming a holy-looking posture and closing your eyes.
4.  Give up the illusion, pull out your phone again, and pull up Facebook, just in case someone has changed their status since you last checked it in the car while killing time (see #2).
5.  Clean out your wallet, only to realize that you don't have anywhere to put the pile of Starbucks receipts that serve as silent, condemning witnesses to how much of your income you spend at your place of employment.
6.  Get out your notebook, Bible, and pen.  Write the date on the page, and stack them nicely on the chair next to you (see #1 if you're wondering why I would want to prevent anyone from sitting down near me).
7.  Realize that you have nearly enough time to make a list of ten things to do while you're waiting for church to start.
8.  Examine the freakishly sparkly drum set sitting on the stage and wonder to yourself how someone probable male and 20 or 30 something ended up with said drum set.  Decide which guy wandering around the area is probably the drummer.  Laugh to yourself when you're right.
9.  Look at the interesting wood wall ornamentation on the front wall, and wonder if we're looking at sound paneling or just 21st century art.
10.  Glance around desperately, hoping that one of the literal three people you know walk in at this precise moment, saving you from several more minutes of this sort of pathetic self-reflection.