Too Much and Not Enough

Today, this week, this year, I'm feeling the pressure of too much and not enough.

I feel too much and I want too much and I want it too badly.  I was reintroduced to the word desire this past year, and the things I'm desiring right now terrify me because I know that what I want is more than what most people are granted in this life.  I'm afraid that the people around me will see how badly I desire these things, and will judge me as I have judged others for daring to hope and dream and reach and push and fall and hope all over again.

I am not enough.  There will always be something that I am not, which intellectually, I understand and can even appreciate.  But in moving to a new/old place, and meeting new/old people, I am constantly feeling the pressure of not enough.

And here's the real secret:  There are people in my life who know both of the above statements to be true about me.  I am, in fact, too much.  I am, in fact, not enough.  And those people love me anyways. Somewhere along the line, I just missed the memo and forgot to extend to myself the grace that allows me to lean into who I am so I can keep living into the Kingdom, all the while being too much and not enough, trusting the Redeemer who says "I am sufficient."