Wasted Energy

It seems to me that if I worried less about what other people think of me, and what I think of other people, and just lived, I'd be a lot less tired.

For example, today I went to church by myself.  I was fashionably late, so I got to slip in relatively unnoticed while the music was starting and found a spot in a nearly empty row.  I was a happy camper.  Until some people came to sit by me.  Then I had to worry about how I was singing, how much I was moving about, and what they were thinking.  Worse yet, I kind of sort of recognized one of them from college.

Now, to the average person, discovering that you know the person you are sitting next to at church is probably a relief.  You are not alone in the world.  You have a friend, or at least an acquaintance, and during the always-awkward "meet n' greet" part of the service, you can catch up (or pretend to catch up) and thus avoid having to meet the other people you don't actually now.  To me, however, this discovery turned my relatively low-energy-requiring morning into an event.  Judging others, and defending yourself against being judged takes up a lot of energy.  It's like my old laptop that couldn't handle too many programs running at one time.  Even if you can't see that you have Word
AND Excel
AND Firefox
AND iTunes running, it's making the whole process slower.  Just like thinking about
What did I wear this morning?
AND What are they wearing this morning?
AND Do I remember their names?
AND What are the chances they remember mine? distracts me from worship and study and fellowship.

In the end, it turned out to be great sitting next to them.  They've been going to this church for a long time and were eager to talk about my experience there and were some of the best church neighbors I've experienced that weren't already close friends.

All that wasted energy.  Think about what I could have learned this morning if I had turned all my focus to the present moment.  Think about all the opportunities I miss in general because I cannot stop evaluating myself and the people around me.  It's like I missed the part of the Gospel where we are able to receive grace.  I guess it's not just energy I'm wasting.  It's grace.  And while grace isn't going to run out anytime soon (or ever), I'd rather not miss out.