I am not a humble person. I think rather highly of myself, and I hate when I cannot communicate my awesomeness to the people around me, either through my own ignorance or especially through someone else's poor planning. I hate being wrong, making mistakes, learning the hard way. I desperately want the people around me to trust and respect me, so I need them to know that I am great. Or at least to think I am great, despite reality. Today I was reflecting on why this new store has been challenging, and a part of it is that while learning new skills in a new place, I'm also constantly trying to earn everyone's favor, and boy is it exhausting. Today I also realized what a problem my personal pride is when I took such offense at the public librarian's mere suggestion that I had an overdue book. It turns out the book was still in my car from the trip to library when I brought it home- hidden under the seat- but I didn't remember checking it out (since I didn't read it) and the five minutes between when she asked me about it and when I found it in my car were a very angry five minutes. The humiliation I felt for having a tarnished public library account was a bit ridiculous. But I didn't want to be one of those people, the ones that not even the library can trust. I'm better than that (even if I'm not).
The aha moment today was that this problem has been hiding itself behind something my entire life: shyness. Since I seem hesitant to offer opinions in places where I don't know anyone, I can give off the impression of humility. Since I don't always share what I'm thinking, it's possible to get the impression that I'm very generous in my opinions of others and modest in my opinion of myself. This has served me well, if we're being honest, in some respects. But in other respects, like learning to really live, this has been a hindrance, and I now have some long-ingrained habits of thought to correct.
No comments:
Post a Comment