Should-a-would-a-could-a

Confession:  I've been avoiding blogging.  Until this morning, writing something to post on here meant some reflection and self-evaluation, and honestly, that hasn't sounded like too much fun lately.  This morning it struck me that one of the things that is driving me most nuts about this season of self-imposed ambiguity is the lack of framework for my experiences.  I have been such a rule-follower for so long that I often wonder "Should I be doing this right now?" about any given activity.  I believe that this is a valid question, because in so many ways, there are less safety nets now that I'm out of school and not living at home (at least not as my parents' home).  So the question "Should I be doing this right now?" when I'm standing at Borders with an armful of books I don't really need to buy right now, or considering another trip to Europe, or trying to figure out how many chiropractor appointments to schedule is worthwhile.  My bank account will be grateful I paused for reflection.  But in other ways, this question is a bit silly.  This morning is a morning off for me, and I devoted most of it to sitting in a big comfy chair, just reading.  This sounds delightful.  This is what I have been waiting to do forever.  And yet, the ever-present question of "Should I be doing this?" was lurking just behind me, whispering itself over and over again.  Most of the time, I don't know what the correct answer to this question is, but for now, I'm going to try to dismiss it in the situations that don't require its presence.  That is one of the gifts of this season.  There are no "should"s for having seven-year olds braid your hair, or reading a book snuggled up in a chair, or sharing meals with people rapidly becoming your family.  So, should I be fully present to the people and experiences around me?  I think I know the right answer to this one.